12262024 - since the year is ending
As 2025 looms closer, it feels like every deadline I’ve ever set for myself—quietly slipping by without notice. I’ve lost track of the last few days, clinging to practically nothing. This year feels like a blur, with nothing to give me grace, hope, or even motivation. And yet, in the midst of it all, I feel this quiet, profound pride in myself for simply enduring. sounds like compium, i know.
I’ve been writing a lot, reading even more, and sitting with silence—something I never thought I could do. Whenever I sit with my mother, I find myself extremely still. Not in an anxious or frozen way, but in some sort of trance. I feel a strange pride in not trying to fill the silence by making her laugh just for a fleeting comfort. Instead, I sit with the discomfort. I let it consume me, and somehow, it becomes a part of me. There’s strength in that, I’ve accepted that I’ll never be “enough” in the way others might want me to be, no matter how much I try and that's okay.
Right now, the internet is full of lists: things to leave in 2024, goals for 2025, ins and outs for the new year. It all feels so bland. Where’s the appreciation for the moments we’ve lived, the gratitude for making it this far? Let us relish the fact that Allah has got us all this far, to see another year.
I like how everyone’s making mood boards, though. I’m not sure if they work, but having a clear visual goal does feel like it could make dreams more achievable no? One thing I am proud of is how my cycles of inspiration have evolved. I have a clearer vision of the things I want to create and do, and even just thinking about it makes me giddy. It’s a start.
That said, I still feel like I’m doing nothing. I don’t have the capacity to hold friendships, let alone relationships and that's also okay. I’m sharing this because today gave me a glimmer of hope. It wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I even went outside, which feels like a small victory